Parents

Sorry for the lack of updates this weekend. I”m at my parents’ house and didn’t have the password for their Wi-Fi until today. Anyways, it seems like nothing has changed besides we’ve gotten older. My parents still have the same fights about money and my mother not having her cigarettes.

They wanted me to come to celebrate my birthday. I turned 29 this year and feel ancient. Yeah I know I have a while before that happens but there’s no denying I’m not as young as I used to be. I’m losing my hair and it’s getting harder to lose weight and keep it off, but that’s life.

I guess the main reason I’m writing this is because it seems like every time I go to my parents I revert back to being that kid who was afraid to  assert himself. I find myself retreating inward when I spend time with them and use my iphone and computer as added barriers between us.

I know they care about in their own warped way, but I find myself getting annoyed at my mother for smothering me. No I don’t want anything and if I did I’d get it myself. No I don’t need to go anywhere dad and If I did I’d find a way to get there with burdening you.

I guess the main issue is me resenting being treated like a kid and taking it out on them, though part of me thinks they’re just buttering me up to ask for money. It’s been about four or five years since we had a huge fight about them treating me like an ATM and I cut off contact with them for six months.

I’m always on edge on when it comes to discussing work and money because I know how people change once they find out you have more than the average person. I’m not Mitt Romney rich but I’m comfortable for the most part.

If I had to analyze it I’d say this is part of my larger issues with trust and abandonment. I fear being used or rejected by people once they know the real me. So I choose which face to show them and how much information to give them.

Most of the time I wear one mask or another, only taking it off when I’m alone in my house. Everything is a careful performance, one false not and the illusion is shattered.

I’ve begun taking off the mask with my critique group, therapist and others, but it’s hard and sometimes I’ll revert to old habits. I know perfection is a habit and that in order to get to a place where I don’t view everyone as a potential threat I have to do the hard work and keep at, especially when things get tough.

Wow, I didn’t intend to write this much but I guess I had more things on my mind than I thought.

Later.