Don’t talk dirty to Me
Ever read a sex scene in a book and thought, God that was bad? Well you’re not alone. Every year The Literary Review gives the Bad Sex Award for the worst sex scene of the year. Past winners include John Updike, Tom Wolf, and Nancy Huston.
While I find this hilarious they’re missing the larger picture. Sex in general is so bad it’s funny. You’re first time you have no idea what to do because you’ve been brained washed by porno, where everyone’s a sexpert and no one can’t get it up.
You have no clue what to do and once you figure it out it’s game over before you or your partner can enjoy it. And oh god mimicking the dirty talk for the first time. Is there nothing more ridiculous?
After you’ve got some experience it’s still a comedy of errors. People do some strange shit in the mist of coitus. The faces they make as they’re about to climax, the moans, groans, slap-slap and other sounds produced are enough to make anyone laugh mid-thrust.
Can’t tell you how many times I almost lost it listening to someone going “Oh yeah fuck me daddy.” Don’t get me wrong a little bit is fine, but not the entire time. I’m flattered you think my skills in the sack are awesome but your constant bleating is not cute.
And what the hell is up with you people who want me to spit, piss, and shit on you? Whatever gets you off as long as it’s legal, but don’t expect me to indulge your fetishes if you bring them up mid-stroke.
I swear if one person asks me to make them my bitch I’m going to lose it. And some of you out there need therapy. You want me to cut you? I don’t think so. Screw you bareback? Forget about it. Score you drugs? Don’t even…just go.
Does it look like I have stupid tattooed on my forehead? Yes I know you’re a spam bot and you need to die a slow and painful death .I only paid for sex once when I was 19, so what makes you think that’ll change any time soon?
For the love of Jeebus, if you’re old enough to be my grand parent what makes you think I’m interested. Yeah I always fantasized about having a wrinkly nut sac or blown out pussy on my chin. And I can’t get enough of that cologne of yours. Odure de Bengay?
For the record us hooking up a few times doesn’t make a couple, or even friends. Don’t blow up my voice mail or email. And quit stalking me online. It’s not cute and won’t make me return your bat shit insane ramblings. I guess blocking you wasn’t direct enough. Let me spell it out: I’M NOT INTO YOU. NOW FUCK OFF!
I swear motherfuckers act like they have no home training. What makes you’ll think I’ll drop whatever I’m doing because you want to hook up ASAP. Sorry darling but I don’t roll like that. Yeah I’ve had may share of hook ups, but I need emotional content. Good sex is like good food. It takes a while to come but you leave satisfied.