Author: silentbutcudly@hotmail.com

But Still I Rise

Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.
— Confucius

I was nine years old the first time I thought about killing myself. I was in the hospital with another infection and couldn’t stand being poked and probed again. So when the phlebotomist came to draw my blood I stole the finger pricker. She got another one and wound up getting my blood drawn anyways.

The object in question was a straight piece of metal with a jagged point on the end where you stabbed the patient’s finger. As I looked down it I thought, “I just want all this to end.”

School was one of the few places I felt safe. I did well when I was there and loved to learn. However when I entered junior high things changed. I got picked on for “smiling too much,” and “acting white” i.e. getting good grades and using proper grammar. I stopped raising my hand in class and wore a scowl or blank instead of a smile.

I came down with a major case of depression the summer before I turned thirteen. I didn’t want to do anything or even get out of bed most days. My family thought it was hilarious and made fun of the mopey teen.

When high school started things got worse. I stopped caring about learning and wanted nothing more than to be done with that hell hole. Every day was a constant battle. There were times I’d come home, lock myself in the bathroom and cry. Music was one of things that kept me going.

Suicidal thoughts and depression are things that plague me to this day. Recently I slipped onto a four month funk and I have clawed my way back from the abyss. I’m better now and realize asking for help isn’t weakness.

I don’t know what problems you’re dealing with but you’re not alone. There are thousands of people just like you struggling with similar issues. I know it my seem like things will never get better. But they will if you make them better. Dealing with depression has taught me I’m stronger than I ever knew. And here’s the secret: so are you.

The strength to carry on and continue to rise in the face of obstacles is something we all have. Sometimes our hurt or anger blinds us to this fact, but dig deep enough and it’s there under all that crap.

It’s so easy to get caught up in our misery and wallow in it, trust me I know. For the longest time I blamed everyone else for my problems, thought the world was out to get me and that I was owed something.

I was a professional victim who wasn’t happy unless I found offense in something. Cynical and jaded I only saw the negative in life and loved to complain and criticism without offering solutions. Then something changed.

A few years back I read The Cather In The Rye. We were never assigned it in high school, thank the English gods. After finishing the book I had two reactions. First, what a pile of crap. And second that I saw entirely too much of myself in Holden.

I didn’t want to be a great big phoney like him. So I made a promise to myself that I’d stop blaming others and take responsibility for my actions. I examined myself and when I found things I didn’t like, such as being out of shape and not writing as much as I wanted, I made a plan to change that.

I don’t claim to be an expert. Over the years I have stumbled and went backwards. But I pick myself up and continue moving forward. And so can you. I hope my story has helped you in some way.

What obstacles have you overcome in life and what things do you continue to struggle with? Leave a message in the comment and I’ll respond back.

Your Brain in a Box

Recently researchers at IBM have come up with a computing system with chipset architecture modeled after the human brain. Each chipset can act independently while still communicating with each other. The SyNAPSE Project began in 2008 and its end goal is to build a brain in a box.

While still a ways off from their goal of ten billion neurons and a hundred trillion synapses, the current model introduced in 2011 has chipsets of 256 neurons(CPUs) and axons for communications, connected to 65,536 synapses.

Led by Dr, Dharmendra S. Modha the project’s goal is to create brain like computers to complement current systems. For more information, check out Sara Gates’s article on the Huffinghton Post here.

While this may still be years off this marks the beginning of technology which has the potential to extend our lives past the expiration date of our bodies.

While this concept has been explored in fiction and nonfiction has anyone stopped to ask, not if you should do it when the technology becomes available, but why? Think about this, sure this could provide new lives to those with terminal illnesses or who suffer from limited mobility. But what about the person seeking immortality?

Would you really want to live forever and see the world as you knew it disappear? Think of how many things have changed between the time you were a child and today. Now multiple that by several thousands.

Even if you could adjust to the changes what would you do? As a kid do you remember being utterly bored during summer vacation? Now imagine those three months being three centuries.

It would be an endless quest to find something to fill up all that time. Sure it sounds fun at first, until you realize there is a finite number of things to do. Honestly, how many trips can you go on or movies can you watch before you get sick of it all?

But here’s the other issue: how are you going pay for everything? Even without taking inflation into the equation, you’ll spend millions on food and housing alone. Not to mention the costs to maintain and upgrade your shiny brain and the casing that goes with it.

There are other issues to consider before plopping your brain into a machine. The planet is already over population as it is. Would you want to live on it two or three hundred years from now when people are fighting over rights to resources like fresh water and food? And what about climate change? With the ice caps completely gone and levels risen several feet would the world be worth living in it?

This brings the most important issue to the front. The assumption humans will be around for another century or two. Given the current state of affairs it’s easy to imagine a not too distant future where the world has been destroyed either by a nuclear conflict or chemical/biological warfare.

Imagine you get this procedure, get bored and put your brain on ice for a few decades. When you wake up the shit has hit the fan and you’re stuck in this crap shack world.

The need to carry on after we’ve died isn’t just a biological imperative imbued in us by evolution. It’s a product of our collective narcissism. That we deem ourselves so important to the gene pool we must procreate and bring another person into this world, is the height of arrogance.

The legacy we leave behind need not be genetic. It’s the words we’ve spoken to those who remain when we’re gone. It’s in the actions we’ve taken in this life and the lives we’ve affected while here. So if you want to live forever than create something that touches the lives of others and makes them feel important; that they’re not alone and that they matter.

The Little Socialist that Wasn’t

Once upon time there was a Kenyan Marxist Socialist Muslim. His name was Barack Hussein Obama II. He became the first black president of the Harvard law review and became a community organizer in Chicago. He studied Saul Alinsky and palled round with terrorists like William Ayers.

He went on to became a senator and the 44th President of the United States. While he is often called a socialist or communist, every thing he has done is to push the agenda of his masters at the Chamber of Commerce and on Wall Street.

More than any other president he’s hastened the gap between rich and poor by making ninety percent of the Bush Tax cuts permanent, not going after the bankers that caused the financial collapse in ’08, and bargaining with the crazies on the right.

All the while Obama repeats the same chant, “Bipartisanship, bipartisanship, bipartisanship,” as he stabs the progressive base in the back.

The grand bargain and sequestration were his ideas and he still wants to gut social security by tying it to chained CPI. At a time when we need to rebuild our crumbling infrastructures he’s pushing for more austerity.

Because a socialist would be all for one percent of the population controlling the majority of the wealth in a country, and receiving the bulk of the economic gains from the recovery while the average man is struggling to get by.

But never you mind because, “bipartisanship, bipartisanship, bipartisanship.”

Yes a socialist would OK with corporations funneling unlimited money into government so they can get laws written in their favor.

And a socialist would be fine with consigning workers to have no job security or collective bargaining rights. While corporations are given massive tax breaks for shipping jobs overseas, and exploiting their workers by not paying them the overtime they worked or even a living wage.

Remember folks, “lesser of two evils, lesser of tow evils, and bipartisanship!”

I guess he’s also the type that sees no issue with saddling students with thousands of dollars of debut with little prospect of getting employed, while the government makes billions off the interest of these loans.

Funny, shouldn’t he push for universal education instead? Shush, “bipartisanship, bipartisanship, bipartisanship.”

I suppose Obama’s the type of socialist who finds nothing wrong with forcing people to buy insurance from private corporations instead of pushing for universal health care. And if they don’t follow along like good lemmings they get hit with a tax penalty.

When it comes to the rights of the people to peacefully assemble and petition their government for a redress of their grievances, he’s the type of social who has no problem turning the FBI and other government agencies loose on them.

And I suppose he doesn’t find it strange the NSA under his watch has been granted the power to spy on American citizens, in clear violation of the fourth amendment. And when people raise concerns about civil liberties and the over reach of the executive branch they are branded tin foil hat wears or traitors.

When whistler blowers have stepped forward with evidence of the administration’s secretive and hypocritical behavior instead of being praised they’ve been treated like war criminals.

Given all this Obama isn’t the worst socialist in history. He’s not one at all. In fact his actions put him in another ism altogether. He’s nothing but a corporatist hack who has whored himself out to the top bidder and, like his buddy Rahm Emmanuel, will gut the middle class to line his masters’ pocket, while himself getting rich in the process.

Lesser of two evils my ass.

Persona

As it’s Friday you’re probably looking forward to the weekend so this will be a quick blurb. If you’re anything like me, after all day you like to unwind. Anytime i haven’t been busy working out or doing something writing related I’ve been playing with Persona 4 Golden on my PS Vita.

New to the Persona universe had no clue what the game was about, but soon found myself engrossed with the story and game play. While similar to others in the genre, it has all the things that make an RPG great. The world is unique and fun to explore and populated with characters you grow to love.

The thing I like most about is no game in a long time has made me think as much or gotten the rush that comes with defeating a boss, or the nail biting, on the edge of your seat tension that comes when you’re low on health and manna and have to decide whether to go for broke or play it cautious.

The other thing that makes the game enjoyable is the social link system which rewards you for hanging out with different people.Just like in real life the choices you make affect you and everyone around you.

Well later and hope you enjoy the coming weekend.

Confessions of a Chronic Nail Biter

Bad habits are hard to break, and for me it’s biting my nails. No what I do goes beyond that. I pick at the cuticle, twisting and pulling until it’s bloody and raw. I chew away until there’s nothing left for my teeth to reach. Then come the tweezers and clippers to finish the job. In the past the compulsion to bite my nails rendered them a festering mess.

My parents tried everything from keeping my hands covered to putting hot sauce and other bitter substances on them, but they didn’t work. At the height when there was no longer any finger nails to worry away, I turned to my toenails, going so far as to rip one of the nails from the toe.

Over the years I’ve gotten better at resisting the urge to do this but it still happens especially when I’m nervous or stressed out. It always starts the same. My foot gets to tapping, which leads picking.

Picking leads to biting which results in hang nails and more picking until I have to get the bit of offending skin and nail out. Sated I can go back to what I was doing before the urge struck.

If I had to pin point when this began it was probably when I was 7 or 8 and came in response to not having any control over myself. The pain served as a release valve for everything I kept bottled up.

As I’ve gotten older I learned to vent things in more constructive ways like working out and writing. Though I don’t bite my nails to same degree I’ll still find myself with the obsessive need.

So what bad habits do you have and how have you tried to kick them?

Work Through the Pain

Does anyone else suffer from allergies? In additions to medications this past year has been a rough one for me with regards to seasonal allergies. Some mornings I’m fine, others I wake up with a stuffy or runny nose and can barely get my eyes open.

Sometimes I had to spend entire days with one or both eyes closed because of the intense irritation and photo sensitivity. OTC medicine has helped but it something that still crops up. yesterday and today my right eye has been acting up. But you know what?

I’m writing anyways, because I’m not going to let my allergies stop me from keeping on task. Sure the headaches and eye strain are annoying, but I write through it because a little bit of pain or discomfort doesn’t get to me.

So often you read about how people struggle to find time or inspiration to write, and while that is true, it’s also true that anything worth having in life you have to fight for. And that means sacrifices have to be made.

I don’t know what your issues might be but if you want to achieve your goals then that means working through the pain. I don’t just mean the physical, but the emotional and psychological pain as well. Since getting serious about being a writer many issues that I thought were behind me keep popping up.

Anger, abandonment, control issues, and other baggage from my childhood get dredged up when I write. At first my response was to tamp them down and I’d freeze up until I was calm. But I’ve since learned you can’t do that because it saps your energy and will sabotage you every time. So now when all those past issues come up I write through them and channel those past hurts into my characters.

While a cathartic experience it doesn’t address the root issue, which is why I’ve began journaling to get out these emotions and maybe help others who are going through similar experiences. I never tried to do this before and don’t know if I’ll succeed, but I’m giving it a shot anyways.

In the past I’ve pushed people away and didn’t see any value in relationships beyond what I could get out of them. I prided myself on being cold and detached, above the petty concerns of those ruled by their emotions.

The truth was I was the one ruled by my emotions. Too scared to feel anything lest I lose control or get hurt. So I deluded myself into believing I didn’t feel anything at all.But my emotions are still there, buried under the wall I built to insulate myself from the world.

No man is an island unto himself. Humans are social creatures and you need to be around others. I try to be sociable though I often find myself in awkward situation and missing social cues. It’s so easy to retreat behind the walls I’ve built, but I don’t want to be that person anymore.

If you want to change the world and have an impact on people you can’t play it safe. You have to take risk and get out those walls you built. It’s not fun or easy, and there will be times you don’t want to do it. But do it any ways because the end reward is greater than staying in the place you are right now. Sometimes you have to work through the pain to get where you need to be.

I Need a Queero

Have you ever read a story and put it down because you couldn’t stand how spineless the protagonists was? I don’t know about you but if the characters never stand up for themselves and constantly play the victim it’s an instant deal breaker for me.

Whenever I write fiction I always try to have strong characters. Now this doesn’t mean they never stumble or go through dark times. No, when they go up against obstacles they grit their teeth, bear down and overcome it. When people read my work I want them to leave inspired and empowered.

So often I read stories or see movies about LGBTQ characters who are just punching bags for the world. They just sit there and take the abuse dished out to them. Just once it’d be nice to see a story where they fought back.

I don’t mean only in the literal sense, because often that’s impossible when you’re being bullied by multiple people. But they can still turn the tables some other way. They could tell their parents or school officials if they’re kids, or contact the police. And if none of those work they could pursue legal action. The point is to be proactive. Do something, anything, but sit there and continue to take it.

I understand that for many people coming up LGBTQ was hard and they still have emotional baggage that bleeds into their work, but the cumulative affect of this is that it tells the younger generation they are worthless and don’t matter. Fuck that shit.

You don’t have to populate your stories with super heroes or Adonises for them to be strong characters. The greatest strength we have is the will to get back up again, no matter how many times life knocks us down. Just give me one character who demonstrates this and I’m happy. Why can’t we have more theses?

Agree or disagree? Leave your comment below.

comics geeks LGBT nerds superheroes writing

A Universe of Numbers

There is geometry in the humming of the strings, there is music in the spacing of the spheres.

Pythagoras

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/p/pythagoras386262.html#UgxmRA6opZwUMF2X.99

One of the things that inspires me is math and physics. When I was younger I loved to learn and gravitated towards physics in high school. I used to hate math until I fell in love with its beauty in college.

At first I hated doing proofs, until I turned them into a game. I knew what answer was. It was getting there that was the challenge. I struggled but also found I enjoyed the process. The world seemed to slip away and it was just me and the numbers.

I spent hours studying and working extra problems at the end of the chapter to get the concepts down. While some of it was boring I discovered the beauty and simplicity of numbers had a calming affect on me.

I found myself slowing down to prolong assignments so I could continue to enjoy the serenity of it all. As I gained more proficiency my proofs because more efficient and elegant. What used to take entire pages, only took a few lines.

When I took calculus I discovered I could do most problems in my head, though it was simple addition and subtraction that tripped me up. Integration by parts was a head ache but I mastered it after long hours of study.

Calculus gave me a deeper understanding of how to think and a greater appreciation for the things you’re capable of if you challenge yourself. I find myself longing to crack open my old math books and see if I still have it.

When I look out into the world, among the chaos I see order and reason in the laws of physics that govern us. That the ever changing tide of events can be reduced to equations, rather than being cold or clinical I find great joy and comfort in this knowledge.

The laws governing the heavens equally apply to us. The beauty of numbers is beyond measure, for they link us and the rest of the universe. We are the children of stars and once we die our atoms will return whence they came, and the great cosmic dance will continue.

3 Major Reasons Not Knowing Everything is a Good Thing

Introduction
Science doesn’t know everything, nor does it claim to. However it is the best and most accurate method we have for understanding how the universe functions.

1.Facts are subject to change
As new information becomes available our knowledge must expand to incorporate this data. Far be it from being a weakness, this ensures what we know is accurate.

2.Information Paradox
New questions are raised when attempting to answer old ones. In this way we will never “know” everything. Rather than being disappointing this gives us unlimited areas to explore.

3. Omniscience is boring
At the turn of the last century it was said all there was to know about physics had been discovered. Then Einstein and others came along and changed the game. If there were no more questions to answer the world would be a stagnant dead place.

Conclusions
Because there are gaps in our knowledge doesn’t mean you can insert whatever supernatural or new age crap you want. Nor does it mean you should askew learning new facts. After all were it not for science many of the things you enjoy today would not exist.

Failure is the Ultimate Teacher

Every situation in life is a learning experience. It is a daily choice to make decisions and live with them. No matter the outcome, right or wrong, we are learning and if we are learning than we are succeeding …everyday.

– Kirsten McCormick

Right now I’m in a transitional phase. I’ve migrated my blog from blogger to to a personal WordPress site and it’s a bit of a headache figuring our how to customize things and get it the way I want.

While it has been a struggle figuring things out, like how to set up an archive page, that aha moment when I figure it out makes it all worth it.

This process has taught me so much. Not just in terms of patience but also seeing things through until completion. I must have spent a five or six hours total trying to work the bugs out, and while there are still things on my to do list, I’m not stressing about it.

Part of life is dealing with challenges as they come so instead of hanging my head about not being an expert in WordPress I’m going to keep chipping away until I am proficient . Sure I could have shelled out the extra cash for the hosting company to do all the work, but then I wouldn’t have the satisfaction of doing it myself.

Over the past year I challenged myself to get serious about writing. And though I’ve fell in ruts since then I’ve found my grove and keep my promise to write something every day. So I’m also going to learn something new about WordPress everyday and set weekly goals to accomplish related to it.

My question to you is what things have you been putting off because you don’t have the time or patience to learn how to do it? Let me know in the comments sections and together maybe we can hold each other accountable for reaching weekly goals.

Fan Fridays

In an effort to foster a better relationship with you the reader I’m trying something new. Send me your questions and comments and I’ll answer them. I want to know what you want to see more or less of and what type of content would help you best.

The Fickle Mistress Which Makes Fools of Us All

The way we perceive time is an illusion. Far be it from a constant stream, our memories about events is a mishmash of the truth mixed with how we wanted things to have happen.

The past is immutable, no matter how much we want to think otherwise. Things weren’t easier or better when you were younger, you were. The world wasn’t all rainbows and gum drops, you were naive.

We all have regrets but that doesn’t mean we should be a slave to them. Learn from your mistakes and move on. It’s pointless to try to change the past because then you would change yourself. Who you are is the sum of all the events that have shaped your life from the moment you were born.

We all have goals for the future but remember it’s in constant flux, so we must be open to the prospect that our plans must change if things don’t work out the way we want them to.

This doesn’t mean you stop dreaming or setting goals. No, it means being realistic about achieving them. If you find yourself in your thirties without a contract maybe it times to give up your dreams of being a professional athlete. Likewise if you’re pushing fifty maybe it’s best you give up the notion you’re still a young stud.

Cognitive dissonance is a trip that can delude us into believing things which aren’t true because they are comforting. “I can stop drinking anytime I want to,” says the alcoholic. “I don’t have a problem,” says the drug addict as she sells herself for that next hit. The point is whether you want to believe it or not the truth remains the same.

So often we get stuck pinning for a past that never was and a future that may never be we miss out on what’s happening in the present. This moment, right now is all we have. For better or worse it’s what makes up the bulk of our life.

We can drift from one millstone or achievement, or we can choose to live in the present, acknowledge the past and the lessons it can teach us, and shape the future the best we can. I thought I had everything figured out and then life came and threw those plans out the window. I’m a control freak but I’ve learned to adapt on the fly and live in the moment. The question is: do you?

No Man’s Land : The Case for More Male Protagonists in YA

When you look out at the Young Adult market you see an over saturation of books about females. As a male reader I have no problems with female protagonists, as long as they’re likable, independent and the story is enjoyable. However the majority of Young Adult novel I’ve seen have all been about contrived relationships, as if that’s all the matters.

Sorry but I can’t stomach another paranormal romance, or a girl who moves to a new town and meets the hottest guy ever. Maybe it’s because I’m approaching my thirties and am too jaded by this point. But would it kill you to have stories without trite tropes like the ubiquitous love triangle, or the girl who falls for the bad boy or the deep, mysterious guy?

The reason I like stories with male protagonists is because they don’t get bogged down in pointless soap opera dramatics over who likes who, unless its a male/male romance which I have tons of issues with for the same reasons, but that’s another post for another time.

If female readers crave these types of stories, OK more power to you, but don’t expect me to like them. I have zero patience for characters whose only obstacle is which hot guy to go out with. Give me a rock solid, humorous, and enjoyable story that’s well written and I couldn’t care less if the main character were a gelatinous blob from Uranus.

What I do take issue with is this notion that males don’t read as much as females thus why the YA market is dominated by books about females. Has it ever occurred, that this is only true of a segment of males and not the group as a whole. And that the reason could because there are so few YA books for them?

It’s not just the romance angle or books about cancer and dying that turn many guys off. It’s the lack of stories about what it means to be a male in our modern society.

This isn’t a call for women to “Get back in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.” It’s a call to all those out there who want to criminalize male behavior as inherently sexist. Just as women needed and have created their own spaces, so to do males. The problem is any space designated male only is now labeled misogynist.

When guys get together it’s not the He-man women hating club that many make it out to be. By and large we just want a place we can be ourselves without worrying about saying or doing something wrong and being branded the worst person in the world, ever. Yeah we can be rude, crude, and idiots at times, but at our core we just want to have fun.

I’m all for equality which is why I think female authors should be more inclusive of male readers. After all male authors are expected to do the same with female readers. Sure keep the romance, but make it a subplot to an interesting story if you expect us to read it.

Bi the Way

Yes I’m bi and no that’s not a lie, so I can stay in the closet and hide.

No, I don’t sleep with anything that moves. By the way, I’m not confused, or don’t know which hole to choose.

No, I’m not greedy. Yes I can commit. And I’ve had it up to here with your shit. Excuse me, but don’t act surprised because I get pissed when you insist I don’t exist.

By the way, I’ve lain with other guys, but that doesn’t make me gay. No matter what you say.

Wait!

I’ve dated girls too, but that doesn’t make me straight.

Don’t hate.

How many times must I explain before it sinks into your brain? What’s so hard to comprehend?

The gender of my date doesn’t determine who I choose as my mate. By the way, if it’s not clear let me spell it out so there’s no doubt.

I don’t fear being queer, so don’t jeer when you hear, “I’m bi.”
Whether it’s women or men, in the end love’s what it’s about. And that’s what counts.