Therapy Thursday 2

Last weekend I went to my Parents’ house to celebrate my 29th birthday. Nothing unusual about that, until my sister showed up. My youngest nephew, Marcus, was sick and by the en of the weekend every one save me was too.

However come that Monday I wasn’t feeling good and by Thursday I was running a fever, hacking up phlegm and had achy joints.

It reminded me of when I was a kid and get sick because I had the weirdest dream. There I was in a white void with hundred of me. Then one of them in a janitor outfit came over and told me he was a replicant sent to guide me, and in order to get out I’d to confront my shadow selves.

One by one I did until I woke cover in a cold sweat an joints throbbing.
While still dazed from the dream I wrote down the basics and now know how book two of the Phoenix Diaries will begin.

Often times I find some of my best Ideas com to me in dreams, and the more vivid the dream the better the idea.

I still feel a bit off so I’m going to rest up the rest of the weekend and hit the gym on Monday and see how that goes.

Due to a scheduling mix up I didn’t have to pay for therapy this week and my date was changed to Wednesdays at 1:45.

While therapy is a place for me to vent I do want goals for going there. First I want to get to a place were I’m not always worry about what ifs and always on the defensive when going to new places or meeting new people.

I also want to address childhood abuse and how that has influenced relationship and sexuality. I want to get to a place where I can have a long term relationship if I choose to with out all the trust issues.

Another issue is put together a plan to get my license back so I can be mobile thus removing my dependence on parents and public transit and allowing me to meet more people. I know all of these can’t be accomplished at once but it’s get to get them down so I have a framework to deal with in future sessions.

That’s it for now,

well later.

Editing Shmediting

image by Stancu Alexandru via sxc.hu

Rewriting is writing, but that doesn’t mean it’s fun. The past few weeks I’ve gone through three rewrites of my WIP as I get it ready to ship publishers.

While some parts have been fun like rediscovering lines and scenes that have me giggling or going aw, the over all process is an exercise in monotony.

I get you want your manuscript in sterling condition to avoid the slush pile, but maybe next time I should invest in a third party to editor.

I don’t know this is all new to me. So if anyone has experience with third party editors and editing in general hit me up in the comments section.

Well later,

and keep those fingers to the keys

Rainbow Revolution

If you’ve read m/m fiction online chances are you’ve come a cross a disturbing trend wherein these characters have no self esteem and never stand up for themselves, unless it’s to defend their perfect boyfriends.

I’ve written about this subject before, however today I want to discuss A particularly insidious brand of these stories, namely the stories where the main character(s) internalize homophobic ideas.

Straight Acting
this character is based on the assumption all homosexuals are effeminate, drag queens with rainbows shooting out their assess.

They engage in activities associated with heterosexual males and are “Straight” except in the bedroom. The problem with theses characters is they reinforce the archaic notions of gender roles while conflating sexuality with gender.

Big Man On Campus The BMOC centers around a “straight” character who is the quintessential Alpha Male, yet questions his sexuality once meeting the new effeminate gay guy.

The problem with this is it feeds into the fallacies that people can choose their sexuality and that LGBTQ folks are out to “convert heterosexuals to their life style.”

It also shares the same problems with Straight Acting. While people discover their sexuality at different times of their life they don’t suddenly go from one end of the spectrum to the other over night like in these stories.

Nor do they jump into relationships right off the bat. This discovery process varies and then there’s the adjustment period before you become comfortable admitting it to yourself, let alone others.

The Sub
Let me start out by saying whatever two more consenting adult do in their bed is their business. However with him it’s all about being humiliated. He has such a low opinion of himself, due to internalized homophobia, he doesn’t just get off on being treated like a piece of crap, he believes he is crap.

He seeks out being humiliated and if events like being gang raped or stomped by the football time happen then all the more better because he deserved it.
These tropes are a statement on the mind set of LGBTQ folks in America and elsewhere. While the march for marriage equality continues there are still issues of mental health and well being that aren’t being addressed.

People of color in the gay community struggle with homelessness and violence at higher rate than their white brothers and sisters, and often times can’t come out for fear of losing their home and violent reprisals from those in the black community and the larger society.

And then there’s the racism within the LGBTQ community that gets ignored or denied even exists.

There’s also the up tick of new infections of young gay/bi white males based on the belief HIV/AIDS is no biggie because you take a few pills and you’re good which leads to a culture where one’s status doesn’t matter so why be truthful about it if it means not hooking up with that cutie in the corner.

Then there’s the culture of drugs and sex that often go hand in hand at the clubs and circuit parties where people let strangers bareback them on the say so he’s clean.

Maybe if we spent half the time on these issues as marriage equality the community wouldn’t be so fucked up. I don’t know? Maybe it’s time for another revolution in the same vein as Stone Wall, this time pushing for the issues above.

Who knows maybe in another decade or so things will change and we’ll be talking about people coming out as straight since being LGBTQ has become the new normal. You tell me.

I Will Not Bow

All is lost again, but I’m not giving in. I will not bow. I will not break. I will shut the world away. I will not fall. I will not fade. I will take your breathe away.
—Breaking Benjamin, I will Not Bow

 

When life gives you lemons make lemonade, play the cards life dealt you, and a thousand more sayings which all boil down to: life isn’t easy so make the best of it. Everyone is different, but at our core we are the same and experience the same things as we go through life.

The difference is in how we handle the rough patches in life. Are they challenges for us to overcome and learn from, or they obstacles for to hold us back?

The choice is yours.

For the longest time I went through life viewing every rough patch as another obstacle in a long line of set backs. I was a victim and blamed everyone else for my troubles. Then I had an epiphany.

No one is responsible for how your life turns out, except YOU!

You can view the world as a hostile place with people out to get you at every corner, or you can choose the see the good in people while remaining a realist.

The point is you have to be the source of change in your life. You have to take those first steps and continue moving forward making the best decisions you can.

No one is going to hold your hand all your life. You have to find the strength to carry on everyday. And most importantly no one can use your talents or the gifts given to you.

You have to be the one to use them or lose for good. When you’re lost or scared look inward and you’ll know what to do.

The 10 People You Meet on Public Transit

If you’ve spent any time on public transit then chances are you’ve met one of thee people below.

10.The Mouth
You hear him/her long before you him/her. Their loud mouths are their defining trait. If they’re not on their phones you can bet they’re engaged in one conversation or another. Be sure to pack your ear plugs.

9.The Hustler
No matter what they’re selling you can be sure there’s some funny business involved. Avoid unless you like having your money ganked. Often will try to get out of paying bus fare with one scheme or another.

8. The Wannabe Gangster
He talks a big game, but when it comes down to it no body is afraid of this loser.

7. The Crazy
Easily Identifiable by his/her disheveled looks and tendency to talk to invisible people, approach with caution. Sometimes it’s impossible to avoid them and if you must interact keep contact to a minimum.

6.The Jesus Freak
Often overlaps with above these people will never miss a chance to turn the conversation to Jesus. Either tune them out or turn up the tunes.

5. The Cutie
Occasionally you’ll come across this person and be struck with cupid’s arrow. Good luck trying to talk to him/her. Having no ride is such a game killer.

4. The Clown
Often overlapping with The Mouth their reason for being is acting a fool. (S)he is mostly likely to raise the ire of the bus driver and get ejected. Failing this ignore these fools and they will simmer down.

3. The Whiner
These professional victims look to complain about how messed up their lives are and will to whomever lets them. Let wallow in their pity parties and move on.

2. The Average Passenger
The majority of the people you meet, just wants to get off the bus and go home. Generally keeps to themselves and avoids as much drama as possible.

1.The Driver
Woe be upon those who get on their bad side. I’ve

seen them go from calm to livid in a matters of seconds. Tread lightly unless you enjoy walking home in the snow or deathly heat .

Belle Isle

Though my childhood was rough their were light patches sprinkled throughout. I remember the trips we took to Belle Isle: all of us scrunched up in Dad red Nissan, doubled, sometimes tripled up on each other’s lap.

My favorite part was going through the tunnel of orange lights. Once we  reached them I knew it was only a little bit further until we got there and I could play.

We’d build sand castle and swim at the beach. We’d also barbecue in the half oil drums turned grills.

I can still remember the sight of smoke wafting off them. The smell of hot dogs, hamburgers and sides of ribs cooking and the smell of barbecue sauce fills my nose as I remember this.

And when that wasn’t an option we’d ride the giant slide. Waiting in line felt like forever, but really had to have been only ten, fifteen minutes tops. We’d pair up on the straw mats you had to ride on and of we went. The rides always seemed to be over in an instant.

When you’re a kid things are skewed. Minutes seem like years and a week is an eternity in kid years.

On one trip I remember every time my uncle and his girlfriend went into the water the sun went behind a cloud. I got mad and thought they were responsible for ruining a nice day at the beach.

Looking back on this now I laugh. I couldn’t have been older than five when this happened. Aw, the folly of being a kid, when the most innocuous of things could bring you delight or fright. That magical time when you believed everything and knew nothing.

But I’ll never forget one memorable trip.

We’d stopped at Popeye’s Chicken on the way there and the seagulls were out in full force circling above us. Things were fine until my sister Sherrie stuck our a drumstick and a gull dive bombed her and pilfered the piece of poultry from her hand. She cried until Dad gave her another one and told her not to do that again.

As I got older trips to Belle Isle became fewer until we stopped going at all. In its place were trips to the mall or other places to shop. When the sweltering heat got too much to bear we headed to Rouge Park and their public swimming pools.

The chlorinated water stung your eyes and burned your throat if swallowed some by accident. They made you shower before entering the pools ,but must of us only splashed some water under our arms and that did the trick.

Digging for Gold

image by Stancu Alexandru via sxc.hu

Introduction

I just got back form the gym and I’m tired and achy, but I feel alive. Often you hear stories about how you must write every day, preferably a thousand words or more, but how often have you heard the truth?

Quality not Quantity

Those thousand words, or whatever your goal is, will seldom win the Pulitzer. But you keep at it every day doing a bit better than yesterday and when you look up there’s that article, or WIP you’ve been meaning to complete, all finished.

Anyone can write every day, but not everyone can make it count. You have to sift through those crappy pieces to find bits of gold that will become your magnum opus.

Be a Hoarder

Save everything you write because you never know when that phrase or paragraph will come in handy later. Also this is a good exercise in charting your growth as a writer. I’m often amazed, good and bad, at pieces I wrote earlier. Especially in terms of how my outlook on life has changed as I’ve gotten older.

Once is a Fluke. Twice, a Coincidence. Three Times, a Pattern Emerges

If you find yourself writing about the same topic maybe it’s time to collect those pieces and begin writing a book or find new topics to write about.

Conclusion

Fret not. What you write isn’t as important as how you write it. We all have off days, the important thing is to keep trying until you strike literary gold.

Peaks and Valleys

That which doesn’t kill me, only makes me stronger–Fredrick Nietzsche

Life is full of peaks and valleys, the trick is to enjoy the good times and hold on to them in the bad times. It’s easy to get caught up in your hurt or anger and stew in your emotions until you’ve become a bitter old prune.

It’s up to you whether you let your set backs define you or you pick yourself up and try again. It’s easy to give up before you’ve started. Trust me I know.

I used to criticize everything but never offered solutions and was a general downer who was never satisfied with anything.

But then I made a choice to stop complaining and start doing. Anyone can talk a big game but when it comes down to it not many can back up their words with actions.

I’d been calling myself a writer yet didn’t write or only wrote in sporadic bursts when it felt right.

That is until I made a commitment to the craft and discovered Jeff Goins’s Tribe Writer Program and within three months had finished my first novel and began work on my second one, which I just finished.

I’m not going to lie, there were rough patches along the way and I stumbled, but it was in those dark times I learned what I was made of.

Anyone can shine when everything goes your way the but the mark of true determination is doing what you’re called to do when everything is against you.

Yes, keep your goals realistic. But also dare to dream because otherwise you’ll churn out mediocre crap. There will be times you want to quit. Don’t.

That’s when you dig in and find that inner strength to carry you on through.

Don’t see obstacles as road blocks but as learning experiences. With every set back or rejection letter you learn something and your writing gets betters.

image by Benjamine Earrwick via sxc.hu
image by Benjamine Earrwick via sxc.hu

Parents

Sorry for the lack of updates this weekend. I”m at my parents’ house and didn’t have the password for their Wi-Fi until today. Anyways, it seems like nothing has changed besides we’ve gotten older. My parents still have the same fights about money and my mother not having her cigarettes.

They wanted me to come to celebrate my birthday. I turned 29 this year and feel ancient. Yeah I know I have a while before that happens but there’s no denying I’m not as young as I used to be. I’m losing my hair and it’s getting harder to lose weight and keep it off, but that’s life.

I guess the main reason I’m writing this is because it seems like every time I go to my parents I revert back to being that kid who was afraid to  assert himself. I find myself retreating inward when I spend time with them and use my iphone and computer as added barriers between us.

I know they care about in their own warped way, but I find myself getting annoyed at my mother for smothering me. No I don’t want anything and if I did I’d get it myself. No I don’t need to go anywhere dad and If I did I’d find a way to get there with burdening you.

I guess the main issue is me resenting being treated like a kid and taking it out on them, though part of me thinks they’re just buttering me up to ask for money. It’s been about four or five years since we had a huge fight about them treating me like an ATM and I cut off contact with them for six months.

I’m always on edge on when it comes to discussing work and money because I know how people change once they find out you have more than the average person. I’m not Mitt Romney rich but I’m comfortable for the most part.

If I had to analyze it I’d say this is part of my larger issues with trust and abandonment. I fear being used or rejected by people once they know the real me. So I choose which face to show them and how much information to give them.

Most of the time I wear one mask or another, only taking it off when I’m alone in my house. Everything is a careful performance, one false not and the illusion is shattered.

I’ve begun taking off the mask with my critique group, therapist and others, but it’s hard and sometimes I’ll revert to old habits. I know perfection is a habit and that in order to get to a place where I don’t view everyone as a potential threat I have to do the hard work and keep at, especially when things get tough.

Wow, I didn’t intend to write this much but I guess I had more things on my mind than I thought.

Later.

 

Therapy Thursday 1

I was the quintessential black nerd: glasses, asthma and would rather read the dictionary than play sports. Like many of my ilk I got teased for acting white e.g. speaking with proper diction, using correct grammar and doing well at school.

At first I ignored it but as the years wore on I couldn’t take it. I stopped caring about learning, and thought about suicide more and more each day. On particularly bad days I’d lock myself into the bathroom at home and cry my eyes out.

It was during these dark times I retreated to a fantasy world where I was strong, never got sick and didn’t take crap from anyone. As time wore on i build walls to keep everyone out. If nobody got in they couldn’t hurt. People come and go, it’s pointless to become attached became my motto.

I prided myself on being above petty emotions and using logic to solve my problems. But the truth was I hadn’t vanquished my emotions but merely suppressed them.

As the years rolled by I learned you can’t stay behind the walls you’ve built if you want live a full life. The first step came when I met my first boyfriend. He was shyer than I and that required me to drop my defenses and become more active. While we broke up we’re it not for me I’d probably still be living in my head.

Since then I’ve learned to let others in and although you will get hurt you will also stumble upon great friends like those in my critique group. I never would have met them if I didn’t take the plunge and come to the first meeting.

I was petrified and didn’t come back for a few months but once I started attending regular meeting I learned so much form them, chief among them that I could write and the main obstacle holding me back was my fear of rejection and not being good enough.

Thanks to them and Jeff Goins Tribe Writer program I’ve gained the confidence to complete two novels, and will begin work on a third shortly, all in less than a year. There have been some bumps along the road.

I went through a four moth depression spell beginning in January of this year. It was thanks to my critique group that I was able to claw my way out that pit and begin getting my life in order.

Writing has not only given me a voice and platform to share my message but has also become a form of therapy for me. I’m still in the habit of bottling everything up but I find writing out my thoughts and emotions before they become overwhelm me is like a soul colonic.

Over the past four years I’ve struggled with mental health issues but last week I took the fist steps to managing it by seeing a psychiatrist and scheduling weekly visits with a councilor. My appointment is tomorrow and I can’t wait.

6 Tips For the Newbie Artist

Every artist was first an amateur. –Ralph Waldo Emerson

In this age where everyone claims to be an expert or gurus of something or other it can be daunting for the new kid on the block. However fret not. Everyone has to start somewhere and once you know where your faults and forts like then you can begin improving your skills.

Practice

I for one used to write crappy poems and stories that would make your eyes bleed. However by taking the time to learn the craft and practice everyday I’ve gotten better. The same applies to you. There is much room for you to grow no matter your current skill level.

Perform

The same is true of you. If you want to become an expert in your niche that means putting in the time and effort to become component, not only writing wise but also in connecting with your audience.

Engage The Audience

Find out their hopes, dreams fears and aspirations, and then produce content that addresses them. For instance my niche is nerd/geek culture with a focus on LGBTQ folks within them. In this way I can address the problems of my niche while having crossover appeal to the larger LGBTQ and geek/nerd cultures.

image by Billy Alexander via sxc.hu
image by Billy Alexander via sxc.hu

While you’ll hear the occasional over night success story the truth is the majority of artists must go through the everyday grind, churning mediocre, working crappy job they hate. Until one day they find they touch greatness. Then things fall in place and they get recognized for all the hard work they put in.

Define success

If you fantasize about being the next King or Rowling but don’t put in the effort you’re deluding yourself. Even if you write all day everyday you still might not reach those heights. The publishing has changed drastically and continues to be in flux.

Does success mean getting agent and having a contract with a traditional publisher, or publishing your work online through programs like Amazon’s KDP, Smash word, or wattpad? Or going it alone with ebooks?

Shipping
No matter the route you take once you send your work out into the world there’s no going back to the drawing board, so it’s incumbent upon you to produce the best product you can so you have a base of life time consumers ready in the wings for your next product.

 

 

An Audience of Moi

I got back From the gym a few minutes ago and it was one those days. I’ve put on 12 pounds in less than a week and could barely run half a mile in ten minutes. Granted I worked out my legs for an hour before hand.

What does this have to do with writing or LGBTQ issues you may be asking right about now?

Everything.

See the pressure to be the best gets drilled in your head ad nauseum. Every time you to click on a m2m site you get bombarded with ads for porno sites and sex items, all reinforcing the notion that you aren’t good enough as is.

Well I’m here to tell you you’re fine the way you are. Sure exercise if you want to stay in shape or stave off diabetes or other obesity related diseases. But not so you can conform to some exaggerated notion of male beauty.

The same is true when it comes to writing. Everyday it seems some new guru appears with the promise that if you take his/her course you’ll become the next Rowling, King or E.L. James.

The truth is while some of these courses offer valuable information most are of fill of shit or worse: things you already know. This is also true when it comes to free information.

Most of the time the things being pitched on twitter and elsewhere are the same nuggets of information repackaged. Write what you know, kill your darlings, show don’t tell, etc.

While these are all good things to know when you’re starting out hearing them stated over and over again becomes puerile.

You can spend thousands on courses and conferences, and hundreds of hours on social media trying to build your brand and establish a platform, and still fail.

Why?

Because you forgot the most important thing. Write first for the joy of it, not because you’re chasing the latest trend or seeking your fortune. Readers are more clever than you give them credit for and will sniff out your bullshit in a heartbeat.

For this reason I limit my time on social media sites and concentrate on producing the best work I can. So when it comes time to ship I have a small core of readers who tell me where I went wrong and how to fix it before I ship to the general public.

One genuine reader is worth a thousand fakes who only look at your work once it becomes cool/hip. This is what building a tribe is all about and why you should be focused on that instead of trying to write like so and so.

Don’t conform to others’ notions of what it means to be a writer. Set your own standards and damn the critics and cynics because when you do something you love and find joy in doing it every day you’ve won.

 

 

How to Overcome Your Fears Like a Boss

He who has overcome his fears will be truly free–Aristotle

How many times have you let your fears hold you back from doing what you want? How many opportunities how you missed out on because you were afraid of failure?

The truth is we get comfortable and don’t want to rock the boat for fear of being rejected or the odd one out. So we play it safe thinking things could be better but this is good enough. We keep going through the motions waiting for the time to come when we can move on to the next phase of things.

But sometimes that will only come if you put yourself out there and risk failing. In the seduction community this is known as approach anxiety, the fear or being rejected before you approach, but tit’s also known as the by stander effect.

Often no one wants to be the first to speak up or do any thing until they see others doing it.

The solution is to practice getting blown out, ie desensitize yourself to be rejected/failing. For writers that means you do what Jeff Goins calls performing in public.

You must submit your work to publishes. If you get rejected, so what? You move on and learn from you mistakes. Eventually you’ll hit your stride and others will start noticing your work and publishing it.

This is called hitting your number in pick up artist lingo and represents the point at which you’ve opened yourself up enough to interact with others without being paralyzed by approach anxiety.

But how do you do this?

You have to have courage.

Courage isn’t the absence of fear, it’s the will to get up and continue moving in spite of your fears. As with anything start small and move on to larger goals. In this way you able to progress and break larger goals down to manageable chunks and keep inspired to reach them.This is called building positive momentum an is a great tool for keeping on task and not allowing your fears to overcome you.

Another issue with overcoming your fears is knowing when to walk away. If things aren’t going your way it’s OK to quit and try something else for awhile. The point is you continue moving forward to reach your goals. If twitwr is not thing try instagram or pinterest. If those don’t walk try face book, blogging, or something else until you connect with audience and find your tribe.

Yeah, I’m not going to lie. It’s going to be hard work, and sometimes you’ll want to quit all together but don’t. Because the moment you stopped trying you’ve failed.Seldom does anything come easy in life which is why you have to practice to get better at whatever your passion is and then perform in public, hit your number and continue building positive momentum to reach larger goals.

I hope this article was helpful and inspiring. Leave your comments below and remember to subscribe to my mailing for updates on the blog and other projects.

 

Where’s the Line?

Last week in my post about genetic privacy I asked if technology was moving too fast and if we needed new guidelines to help us cope with this new world. This week my question to you is this. Is society better off if we allow science to progress with minimal restrictions?

I read in a recent article on the Huffingtonpost about naloxone and how this anti-opiate’s use to treat overdoses has been fought. The critics say it will lead to more drug use and overdoses.

However the larger picture here is that bureaucrats and politicians are deciding what’s right for people. Once again the will of the populous is being ignored so those in power can look good and line their pockets with bribes, I mean campaign contributions, from the pharmaceutical industry.

The old adage goes: there’s no profit in a cure. What does this have to do with science you may be asking yourself?

Everything.

Imagine if penicillin or the polo vaccine were denied to people on the grounds it would increase a person’s likelihood of engaging in activities that could put them at risk for these diseases.

Like wise imagine getting sick and when your doctor asks how you got that way and he/she didn’t like the answer could refuse to treat you. This is exactly the scenario which the blunt amendment allows for.

Doctors and other workers could refuse to treat patients on moral grounds or deeply held beliefs. What’s more your employer could do the same and opt out of covering things like birth control and treatment for AIDS/HIV.

So the question I again pose to you is this. While me need common sense legislation to address the rapid increase in technology and how we deal with each other, how do we also allow for those advances without stifling them?

10 Reasons Being Single Rocks

 

Most of us grew up with our heads filled with fantasies about a Prince/Princess Charming coming into our lives and then living happily ever other. Then reality struck and gave us a wake up call.

10. Being single means never having to compromise to please others.

9.You don’t have to explain where you’re going like you’re still a child.

8. You don’t have to wait on your significant other to finish getting ready when you go out.

7. You don’t have to worry about kids and finding someone to watch them so you can go out together.

6.If things don’t turn out how you expected you can pick up and go without having to worry about him/her and any kids you may have.

5.You have enough baggage of you’re own to deal with, without taking on someone else’s.

4.Never having to say you’re sorry for forgetting the anniversary of that time you once bought shag carpeting together and other such nonsense your partner deems worthy of celebration.

3.Never having to tailor you actions and words so as not to upset/hurt your partner’s feelings.

2. Having to find new ways to ask the same old questions while seeming interested about your partner’s day.

1. When it comes sex you never have to worry about spicing it up and you know it’s someone who loves you.

So what reasons do you like about being single?