Therapy Thursday 1

I was the quintessential black nerd: glasses, asthma and would rather read the dictionary than play sports. Like many of my ilk I got teased for acting white e.g. speaking with proper diction, using correct grammar and doing well at school.

At first I ignored it but as the years wore on I couldn’t take it. I stopped caring about learning, and thought about suicide more and more each day. On particularly bad days I’d lock myself into the bathroom at home and cry my eyes out.

It was during these dark times I retreated to a fantasy world where I was strong, never got sick and didn’t take crap from anyone. As time wore on i build walls to keep everyone out. If nobody got in they couldn’t hurt. People come and go, it’s pointless to become attached became my motto.

I prided myself on being above petty emotions and using logic to solve my problems. But the truth was I hadn’t vanquished my emotions but merely suppressed them.

As the years rolled by I learned you can’t stay behind the walls you’ve built if you want live a full life. The first step came when I met my first boyfriend. He was shyer than I and that required me to drop my defenses and become more active. While we broke up we’re it not for me I’d probably still be living in my head.

Since then I’ve learned to let others in and although you will get hurt you will also stumble upon great friends like those in my critique group. I never would have met them if I didn’t take the plunge and come to the first meeting.

I was petrified and didn’t come back for a few months but once I started attending regular meeting I learned so much form them, chief among them that I could write and the main obstacle holding me back was my fear of rejection and not being good enough.

Thanks to them and Jeff Goins Tribe Writer program I’ve gained the confidence to complete two novels, and will begin work on a third shortly, all in less than a year. There have been some bumps along the road.

I went through a four moth depression spell beginning in January of this year. It was thanks to my critique group that I was able to claw my way out that pit and begin getting my life in order.

Writing has not only given me a voice and platform to share my message but has also become a form of therapy for me. I’m still in the habit of bottling everything up but I find writing out my thoughts and emotions before they become overwhelm me is like a soul colonic.

Over the past four years I’ve struggled with mental health issues but last week I took the fist steps to managing it by seeing a psychiatrist and scheduling weekly visits with a councilor. My appointment is tomorrow and I can’t wait.

How to Overcome Your Fears Like a Boss

He who has overcome his fears will be truly free–Aristotle

How many times have you let your fears hold you back from doing what you want? How many opportunities how you missed out on because you were afraid of failure?

The truth is we get comfortable and don’t want to rock the boat for fear of being rejected or the odd one out. So we play it safe thinking things could be better but this is good enough. We keep going through the motions waiting for the time to come when we can move on to the next phase of things.

But sometimes that will only come if you put yourself out there and risk failing. In the seduction community this is known as approach anxiety, the fear or being rejected before you approach, but tit’s also known as the by stander effect.

Often no one wants to be the first to speak up or do any thing until they see others doing it.

The solution is to practice getting blown out, ie desensitize yourself to be rejected/failing. For writers that means you do what Jeff Goins calls performing in public.

You must submit your work to publishes. If you get rejected, so what? You move on and learn from you mistakes. Eventually you’ll hit your stride and others will start noticing your work and publishing it.

This is called hitting your number in pick up artist lingo and represents the point at which you’ve opened yourself up enough to interact with others without being paralyzed by approach anxiety.

But how do you do this?

You have to have courage.

Courage isn’t the absence of fear, it’s the will to get up and continue moving in spite of your fears. As with anything start small and move on to larger goals. In this way you able to progress and break larger goals down to manageable chunks and keep inspired to reach them.This is called building positive momentum an is a great tool for keeping on task and not allowing your fears to overcome you.

Another issue with overcoming your fears is knowing when to walk away. If things aren’t going your way it’s OK to quit and try something else for awhile. The point is you continue moving forward to reach your goals. If twitwr is not thing try instagram or pinterest. If those don’t walk try face book, blogging, or something else until you connect with audience and find your tribe.

Yeah, I’m not going to lie. It’s going to be hard work, and sometimes you’ll want to quit all together but don’t. Because the moment you stopped trying you’ve failed.Seldom does anything come easy in life which is why you have to practice to get better at whatever your passion is and then perform in public, hit your number and continue building positive momentum to reach larger goals.

I hope this article was helpful and inspiring. Leave your comments below and remember to subscribe to my mailing for updates on the blog and other projects.

 

Where’s the Line?

Last week in my post about genetic privacy I asked if technology was moving too fast and if we needed new guidelines to help us cope with this new world. This week my question to you is this. Is society better off if we allow science to progress with minimal restrictions?

I read in a recent article on the Huffingtonpost about naloxone and how this anti-opiate’s use to treat overdoses has been fought. The critics say it will lead to more drug use and overdoses.

However the larger picture here is that bureaucrats and politicians are deciding what’s right for people. Once again the will of the populous is being ignored so those in power can look good and line their pockets with bribes, I mean campaign contributions, from the pharmaceutical industry.

The old adage goes: there’s no profit in a cure. What does this have to do with science you may be asking yourself?

Everything.

Imagine if penicillin or the polo vaccine were denied to people on the grounds it would increase a person’s likelihood of engaging in activities that could put them at risk for these diseases.

Like wise imagine getting sick and when your doctor asks how you got that way and he/she didn’t like the answer could refuse to treat you. This is exactly the scenario which the blunt amendment allows for.

Doctors and other workers could refuse to treat patients on moral grounds or deeply held beliefs. What’s more your employer could do the same and opt out of covering things like birth control and treatment for AIDS/HIV.

So the question I again pose to you is this. While me need common sense legislation to address the rapid increase in technology and how we deal with each other, how do we also allow for those advances without stifling them?

10 Reasons Being Single Rocks

 

Most of us grew up with our heads filled with fantasies about a Prince/Princess Charming coming into our lives and then living happily ever other. Then reality struck and gave us a wake up call.

10. Being single means never having to compromise to please others.

9.You don’t have to explain where you’re going like you’re still a child.

8. You don’t have to wait on your significant other to finish getting ready when you go out.

7. You don’t have to worry about kids and finding someone to watch them so you can go out together.

6.If things don’t turn out how you expected you can pick up and go without having to worry about him/her and any kids you may have.

5.You have enough baggage of you’re own to deal with, without taking on someone else’s.

4.Never having to say you’re sorry for forgetting the anniversary of that time you once bought shag carpeting together and other such nonsense your partner deems worthy of celebration.

3.Never having to tailor you actions and words so as not to upset/hurt your partner’s feelings.

2. Having to find new ways to ask the same old questions while seeming interested about your partner’s day.

1. When it comes sex you never have to worry about spicing it up and you know it’s someone who loves you.

So what reasons do you like about being single?

Big Foot

The first thing people notice about me is my feet. See they’re size 14s and are out of place on my otherwise average build. Long and narrow they stick out like skis or, as my dad calls them, boats. Walking can be a pain since I can easily step on the back of other people’s shoes if I don’t pay attention. I’m flat footed and when I step down wrong my ankles buckle and my feet twist near ninety degree angles.

It wasn’t always like this. I was a normal until I turned 8 and they sprouted like weeds. I’d go into the hospital and grow another shoe size by the time I was released. I’d out grown kids shoe by the age of ten and hated I couldn’t wear the same super hero streaked sneakers as my peers.

Because my equilibrium was shoot after I had brain surgery in forth grade, coupled with one leg shorter than the other, I literally tripped over my feet on several occasions. It used to annoy the hell out of me when people joked about my big feet but most of the time it doesn’t bother me. The exception being if they ask if it’s true about guys with big feet. No comment and if you continue to ask you’ll get theses boats shoved up your ass.

How Not to Get Burnt Out

Lately I’ve been on a poetry kick. I’d forgotten how much fun playing with words could be. The simply act of string words together and making magic out of nothing.

Sometimes we put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect every time, we don’t stop to have fun with what we’re doing. No one likes grinding out piece after piece so you can make a living. But that doesn’t you have to hate the process.

When you free yourself to have fun playing around with words, it releases your creative juices. Stop trying to impress everyone and concentrate on yourself.

You can always go back to the piece later. The point is to write fast and have fun while doing it. One technique I’ve found that works is to use written kitten or some other program that rewards you for typing X amount of words.

Another technique is to let the characters decide what happens next. This can be scary at first because their decisions can radically the plot line you had in place.

This is a good because it means you’re tuned in with the world of your story and have freed yourself to play around. If something doesn’t work, don’t worry be happy. Keep going until you’ve reached the end then do the big edits.

The point is to find your passion and allow it to take you over so you can reach for something beyond the ordinary and transcend the mediocre things you’ve been producing.

When I write it’s first for myself. Then on the rewrite I keep the reader in mind and remember to kill my darlings so things don’t get bogged down by dead wood and fluff.

I also take time away from writing to work on other things and recharge those creative juices by watching movies or TV, or reading something.

The point is we need to strike a balance between producing the best product we can, while indulging the creative side of ourselves. Otherwise we run the risk of getting burnt out and no one likes when that happens.

The Quest for the Perfect Body

When you look out on to the landscape what do you spot? Ads as far as the eye can see depicting attractive people. The message is clear. Look like this if you want to matter or buy this product to look attractive. It’s often cited that women put themselves through hell to conform to the ridiculous standards of beauty expected of them. But what about males?

For every ad featuring a model skinny as a stick you have one depicting guys as muscle bound sex machines. Moreover from the time males are older enough to comprehend it they are told to toughen up and walk it off if they get hurt.

And when it comes to sex thanks to porn males think if they don’t measure up they’re not a real man. Especially if they happen to gay or bisexual. The concept of masculinity in western society, and America in particularly, is rooted in the number of females a male has slept with. The higher the number the more status he has among his peer group.

However when a male expresses a interest in his peers beyond friendship he is often ostracized for not being a “real man,” because only women should want to sleep with men.

Spurned the gay/bi male turns the LGBTQ community where he hopes to find inclusion. Instead what he finds is a fragmented network of groups that exclude people on such arbitrary criteria as being too hairy, dark, feminine, or not buff enough.

Every aspect of him becomes another box to be ticked off to see if he’s worthy enough to join the group. Seeking refuge from this mean girl mentality he turns to porn. Here too he is made to feel inferior for not having gargantuan genitalia or being the right color.

Distraught he begins dieting and exercising to conform to the body fascism placed on him by the wider community. At first it becomes about losing those extra pounds, which morphs into fitting into those skinny jeans.

Pretty soon he is spending most of his time at the gym and engaging in unhealthy eating patterns such skipping meals or having a severely reduce caloric diet. He has entered the world of male eating disorders.

Not unlike females who suffer the same disorders, his quest to obtain the perfect body has left him with a warped view of his body. However unlike most females, his preferred method of purging that slice of cheese cake is extreme exercise. If left unchecked he could suffer sudden cardiac arrest due to malnutrition.

So what is the solution to this problem? Remind him he is in good shape and should only exercise to stay in shape, not to conform to someone else’s idea of beauty and masculinity. Only by absolving him of this need to please others will he find happiness within himself and go on to form healthy relations with others.

Labor Day

Do you think it’s OK
To work for shitty pay?
Doing whatever they say,
So at the end of the day
You have to put things on layaway?

Do you think it’s OK
CEOs get three hundred percent the pay
OF the average Joe‘s?

Do you think them lazy to say
They want higher pay when their
Income has been froze for three decades?

Don’t listen to the crooks on Wall Street
Who say austerity is the way while they get
Richer by the day, or that tax cuts for the one
Percent are here to say as our debt mounts
And infrastructure fades away.

workers
image by Herman Brinkman via sxc.hu

If you feel like me and see something is rotten
Then let’s make this a Labor Day something that ought
Not be forgotten.

 

 

 

 

Monochromatic Madness

 

For decades now the gay community has stated they are inclusive of everyone hence why their symbol is the rainbow flag. However this couldn’t be further from the truth. The dominate image put forth by GLADD, GLESSEN and other LGBT organizations has been and continues to be white washed. Anyone who doesn’t fit this homogenized image doesn’t exist.

Let’s start with the number one area the media depicts LGBT people: porn. Go to any site geared to men who have sex with when and you’ll be bombarded with porno ads all depicting white chiseled guys and if a nonwhite person is featured it’s usually to play up racial stereotypes or to fetishize them.

Case in point: the Mandingo sex crazed black guy who has a foot long phallus. Or the ghetto gang banger violating the innocent little white boy. Or the hood rat hoodlum who gets dominating by the white guy. Sure you’ll see Asian and Latino guys in porn but that’s only because they tend to be lighter skinned and thus a case of but not too black.

Because remember they’re not people but sex objects, so it’s ok to fetishize an entire group of people and so what if this has an negative effect in the real world. Asians tend to depicted as submissive ultra feminine “lady-boys” who fall over themselves for even the lowliest white guy, where as Latinos get stereotyped as feisty and passionate lovers.

The bleed over effect is obvious to anyone who’s spent time on hook up and relationship site for men who have sex with men. You have profiles that say outright not into X race, but I’m not racist it’s just my preference. Right, because disregarding everyone from a group isn’t discriminatory at all, especially if your profile says you’re looking for friends.

In the past this annoyed the hell out of me however now I’m thankful for theses clowns. It lets you know immediately which guys are douche bags. Because chances are if they’re have hang ups on race you can bet your butt hole they’re also narcissistic trolls who are shallower than smoke and of course are “Straight Acting.”

Which leads me to another issue. How the larger media as a whole depicts black gay and bi guys. The only time they mention us is in the context of HIV/AIDS, or being on the DL. While infection rates are high among black LGBT persons this due more to genetics and engaging in risky behavior. Not being on the DL.

Moreover in recent years there have been sharp increases in the infection rates of young white males who have sex with males because they believe AIDS isn’t a serious threat anymore and they can just take a few pills if they become infected.

You don’t see the media ,mainstream or gay, reporting on these men who engage in bare backing and so called breeding, where by multiple men have unprotected anal sex and ejaculate in a bottom.

Nor do you see them report on all the “Straight” guys looking to hook up with other guys on Craig ’s list and elsewhere. Then there all these MWM (married white males) cruising for sex yet not a word is uttered about them. Hmm I wonder why? maybe because if they did then their customer base of affluent suburban white males would get their panties in a bunch.

The mainstream media and gay media have been lagging when it comes to more inclusive portrayals of LGBT characters. Case in point Will and Grace. Set in New York City, one of the most ethnically diverse cities in the world. But you wouldn’t know that from the show.

Moreover as much as it was “groundbreaking” it failed to show gay characters who weren’t either super feminine or masculine. This is a problem because people don’t fall into either extremes. They tend be somewhere in between.

Queer as Folk was another show which failed into include a diverse picture of LGBT life. It was set in Philadelphia, a predominately black city, yet only featured a handful of nonwhite characters, who surprise, surprise were partnered white characters.

One scene in particular sticks out in my mind. It was a mixed couple who approached one of the main characters to have a threesome. When I saw this my first reaction was seriously, you finally show a black gay guy and he’s just there to be a sex object. Epic fail. Even with modern shows like Glee and Modern Family the LGBT characters, if they appear at all, are almost always white.

For many marginalized groups independent media gives them an outlet to have their voices heard. However here too minorities are not given a place at the table. The majority of indie LGBT films are for and about white characters. Either in one of the gay Mecca’s or follows their struggle to get there from their backwaters town.

Of the few LGBT movies geared towards blacks Brother to Brother is best because it’s not only a history on how Bayard Rustin and others were treated because of their sexuality and race, but how young people of color are treated today by their communities and the gay community.

While indie publishing has opened the flood gates in terms of content much of what’s out there for LGBT people of color is slim pickings and this is even worse in mainstream publishing where the trend continues to be books featuring predominately white characters and few if any nonwhite ones.

So what can be done?

First LGBT people of color should pull their support from organizations that continue to perpetuate the whitewashed 2-D portrayal the community. Second we should get active in groups fighting for our needs and if none exist in our area, start one.

Next we should bring up these issues at round tables and conferences and if we get dismissed as drama queens or seeing a problem where none is there, then we boycott them and start our own.

Likewise if you’re tired of not seeing more diverse and inclusive portrayals of LGBT folk start creating them. One of the reasons I started writing was because I was sick of not seeing people like me.

So what are your thoughts on this issue? I’m I off base or what?

The 15 People You Meet Online

 

3d illustration of computer technologies. concept notebook
Image by Kolobsek via sxc.hu

If you’ve spent any time on the web, chances are you’ve encountered at least one of these characters.

1.The Spammer
No matter what the conversation they will be there  hocking their product. Identifiable by their poor grammar and syntax. While most are programs now a days, you’ll meet the rare human spammer, who like all con artists tries to lure you in by stroking your ego.

2.The Troll
While this term has become ubiquitous in its application, it simply means one who deliberately attempts to derail a conversation by saying something inflammatory.

3. The Keyboard Commando
This is the person who posts all about how he/she would have handled the situation better. Never mind they have no experience outside watching movies, TV and playing video games. Derp they’re “experts.”

4.The Bully
Under the cloak of anonymity these people say things they never would in real life. Favorite past times include arguing about stupid shit no ones cares about and making death threats over the silliest things.

5. The Psycho
A close cousin to the bully these are ones who take things into the real world. Stalking, harassing calls and texts, they don’t know when to stop. Often found on dating and hook up sites they pass themselves as normal until you start to see cracks in their mask. No close friends or long term relationships, issues with boundaries and jealousy. And of course trying to control every aspect of your life. Run far away.

6. Casper the Friendly Ghost
These are people you meet who seem nice enough ,but then you never interact with them again, as if they  up and disappeared.

7.The Social Justice Warrior
These are people are  only about having their egos stroked under the guise of pushing for social justice for a marginalized group. Most often found on tumbler, instagram and twitter shilling for one politically correct cause or another.

They are found of spouting about peace, civility and equality. Unless you disagree with  their double standards, appeals to emotions and use of post modernist bs to prop up their fallacy ridden screeds.

Then be prepared for an avalanche of ad hominid attacks.Their favorite go-to being you’re the worst person in the world, ever. Oh and you couldn’t get laid in a whore house if you tried. If you haven’t figured them out in the first five minutes you deserve to deal with these pseudo-intellectual twats.

8. The Con
These posters create fake personas with the intent of scamming people with their sad stories. Other cons have faked having a terminal illness or being from an oppressed group. They then sit aback and bask in the money and adoration. There’s also Cat-fishing. Chances are if you meet a girl who looks like Megan Fox but is fluent in geek; she’s a man, baby.

9.The Addict
Be it sex, drugs, or drama these people have one thing in common. They love playing the victim and will drag you down to their level if you let them.

10.The Perfectionist
Otherwise known as Grammar Nazis. They scourer the interwebs looking for anyone not as learned as they and flame them for their lack of grammarian skills. While this is warranted in extreme cases. Like someone who doesn’t know  the difference between your and you’re; to, too, and two; or its and it’s. In general this is a smokescreen for their main objective: being a pretentious troll.

11. The Narcissist
They have nothing going for them besides a cute face or body and never miss an opportunity to talk about their favorite subject: them. With their pretty- than-thou attitude they’re the first one’s to start slinging ad hominid attacks then get butt hurt when they get called out on their bs.

12. The Bore
While nice enough, talking to a pet rock is more fun.

                                                                                                                                             13.The Basement Dweller                                                                                                                                         They have no higher aspirations in life than getting to the next level in WOW, or ranking up in COD. They often still live at home well into their 30s and beyond. They have more baggage than an airport and expect you to fix everything for them. Run a fast as you can.

14.The Newbie
Young dumb and full of optimism, their souls haven‘t crushed by the machine yet. They mean well but have no fucking idea who they are , what they want or what the world outside their pragmatic bubble is like. Give them a few years and their blinders should fall off.

15. The Pervert
These are the creepy posters who are  old enough to be your grand parents yet see nothing wrong with hitting on you. They never fail to turn the conversation to sex but are always quick to say they were “just kidding” when they cross the line and get called out on it. While there’s nothing wrong with talking about sex and sexuality,  what the hell does that have to do with the deficit or the new iPhone?

Patience and How to Go the Distance

Image by Christian Ferari via sxc.hu
Image by Christian Ferrari via sxc.hu

What are you struggling with? Right now I’m dealing with a lack of patience. Migrating to a new domain has been more difficult than I thought. Going from using blogger to WordPress has been a trying process. The learning curve between the two is steep and will probably require at least a basic familiarity with coding.

I can deal with that. The problem is I want everything perfect now. This is nothing new .I’ve always had a perfectionist streak in me that’s kept me from pursuing things ,because I get frustrated when I don’t live up to my ridiculously high standards.

The pressure to be perfect the first time every time almost killed my passion for writing. Have you ever had an experience where you felt like everything you did was crap? Well that was me. Nothing was ever good enough for me. I’d get discouraged, frustrated and say, “Fuck it, why bother?”

The truth is giving up is the easiest thing in the world to do, especially when you do it before you even start. How many times have you had an idea or made plans to do something, then found some way to not follow through on it, because you didn’t see instant results?

Writing and working out are big areas where I fall prey to this. The need to see results for my efforts and not has led to spirals of self doubt and depression. “What’s the point of it all if the results are lackluster?” I say to myself.

The point is writing and life in general isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon. You can’t jump in without training and expect to come in first. You have to pace yourself.

Start small and build on it everyday, until you’re ready for that big race. A long the way you’ll stumble, get up and fall again. But you continue until you’ve reach the finish line.

Sometimes we get so caught up in getting there we miss what’s happening along the way. So may be I’m not as far along as I like right now, but everyday I push myself to do a little better, to learn something new about writing, and write for at least thirty minutes a day.

Some days I have no clue what to write about or don’t want to at all, but I force myself to sit still and produce something. Even if it’s destined for the trash I still learned something in the process.

There are times I get stuck or lose track of what I want to say but the point is to continue until I’ve reached the finish line. So the next you fell the urge to sprint, remember you’re running a marathon.

But Not Too Gay

We all wear masks even if we don’t realize it. Sociologist Irvine Gauffman asserts all interactions are performances which we play. Putting our best face to the world and hiding who we really are behind the curtains. For a long time LGBTQ people have had to hide who they are for fear of violent reprisal, and though things have certainly changed for the better many of us still have to wear masks.

Often in literature and other mediums LGBTQ characters are forced to hide for fear of alienating audiences. Sure they can have relationships and even families, but only in the context of adhering to the hetero-normative dichotomy.

Case in point the current trend in male-male romance written by woman for woman in which a formerly straight male falls for the new effeminate gay guy in his life. For all purposes the effeminate guy is a woman with a dick. He talks about his feelings, is into fashion, and resents his lover isn’t as emotionally open as he.

Sorry but while LGBTQ people run the spectrum of mannerisms the problem with these characters is they play into age old stereotypes. Namely gay guys are actually women trapped in male bodies and that you can choose your sexuality.

Moreover same sex relationships, while similar to their straight counterparts carry with them unique challenges and dynamics that can’t be brushed aside because the author doesn’t know how or care to explore them.

You can’t take a relationship between two guys and map it to a straight one because neither of them is female. You have to address things like how their family and friends will react to them and also the giant issue in the room that’s avoided altogether in these stories.

The main issue with these stories is that they’re not realistic. Most of the plot revolves around them getting together, sharing chaste kisses and spooning. While that’s nice and all it’s not true to life.

Go to any site geared towards guys into guys and you’ll see the meme most repeated is where are decent guys who care about more than hooking up. So to treat sex like it never happens, is something only mentioned in conversation, or happens off screen is ridiculous.

If the issue is ignorance about the bedroom behavior of these couplings than there are plenty of people these authors could ask to get the details right.

However I think this is more a case of but not too gay. They’re fine with reading and writing about same sex relationships, so long as it doesn’t get outside their comfort zone. If that’s their prerogative, whatever.

But these authors should remember they’re writing about a group of people who exist and are still struggling for acceptance and visibility. While I think it’s great we’ve gotten to a point some straight people are cool with reading about LGBTQ characters there is still a genuine lack of diversity in the characters displayed. Not just in terms of their mannerisms, but also their race, geographic locations, worldviews and class status.

The main thing I take issue with is the commercialization of us, as if LBGTQ people are the latest commodity to be packaged and sold to the masses to make them hip and spice up their vanilla lives. Sorry but we are not some exotic novelty for your amusement or curiosity.

Our lives are often wrought with obstacles you couldn’t imagine and it’s belittling when you appropriate our narratives without giving them or us the respect we deserve. This isn’t to say no one but LGBTQ people can write about us, but if you’re going to do it then get it right.

Remember when people read your stories they’re not just looking to be entertained but to find validation in who they are. So when they seldom find characters like them it makes them feel like they don’t matter. The last thing any writer ought to do is alienate readers, especially ones who are already marginalized as it is.

But Still I Rise

Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.
— Confucius

I was nine years old the first time I thought about killing myself. I was in the hospital with another infection and couldn’t stand being poked and probed again. So when the phlebotomist came to draw my blood I stole the finger pricker. She got another one and wound up getting my blood drawn anyways.

The object in question was a straight piece of metal with a jagged point on the end where you stabbed the patient’s finger. As I looked down it I thought, “I just want all this to end.”

School was one of the few places I felt safe. I did well when I was there and loved to learn. However when I entered junior high things changed. I got picked on for “smiling too much,” and “acting white” i.e. getting good grades and using proper grammar. I stopped raising my hand in class and wore a scowl or blank instead of a smile.

I came down with a major case of depression the summer before I turned thirteen. I didn’t want to do anything or even get out of bed most days. My family thought it was hilarious and made fun of the mopey teen.

When high school started things got worse. I stopped caring about learning and wanted nothing more than to be done with that hell hole. Every day was a constant battle. There were times I’d come home, lock myself in the bathroom and cry. Music was one of things that kept me going.

Suicidal thoughts and depression are things that plague me to this day. Recently I slipped onto a four month funk and I have clawed my way back from the abyss. I’m better now and realize asking for help isn’t weakness.

I don’t know what problems you’re dealing with but you’re not alone. There are thousands of people just like you struggling with similar issues. I know it my seem like things will never get better. But they will if you make them better. Dealing with depression has taught me I’m stronger than I ever knew. And here’s the secret: so are you.

The strength to carry on and continue to rise in the face of obstacles is something we all have. Sometimes our hurt or anger blinds us to this fact, but dig deep enough and it’s there under all that crap.

It’s so easy to get caught up in our misery and wallow in it, trust me I know. For the longest time I blamed everyone else for my problems, thought the world was out to get me and that I was owed something.

I was a professional victim who wasn’t happy unless I found offense in something. Cynical and jaded I only saw the negative in life and loved to complain and criticism without offering solutions. Then something changed.

A few years back I read The Cather In The Rye. We were never assigned it in high school, thank the English gods. After finishing the book I had two reactions. First, what a pile of crap. And second that I saw entirely too much of myself in Holden.

I didn’t want to be a great big phoney like him. So I made a promise to myself that I’d stop blaming others and take responsibility for my actions. I examined myself and when I found things I didn’t like, such as being out of shape and not writing as much as I wanted, I made a plan to change that.

I don’t claim to be an expert. Over the years I have stumbled and went backwards. But I pick myself up and continue moving forward. And so can you. I hope my story has helped you in some way.

What obstacles have you overcome in life and what things do you continue to struggle with? Leave a message in the comment and I’ll respond back.

 

 

 

Work Through the Pain

image by Stancu Alexandru via sxc.hu
image by Stancu Alexandru via sxc.hu

Does anyone else suffer from allergies? In additions to medications this past year has been a rough one for me with regards to seasonal allergies. Some mornings I’m fine, others I wake up with a stuffy or runny nose and can barely get my eyes open.

Sometimes I had to spend entire days with one or both eyes closed because of the intense irritation and photo sensitivity. OTC medicine has helped but it something that still crops up. yesterday and today my right eye has been acting up. But you know what?

I’m writing anyways, because I’m not going to let my allergies stop me from keeping on task. Sure the headaches and eye strain are annoying, but I write through it because a little bit of pain or discomfort doesn’t get to me.

So often you read about how people struggle to find time or inspiration to write, and while that is true, it’s also true that anything worth having in life you have to fight for. And that means sacrifices have to be made.

I don’t know what your issues might be but if you want to achieve your goals then that means working through the pain. I don’t just mean the physical, but the emotional and psychological pain as well. Since getting serious about being a writer many issues that I thought were behind me keep popping up.

Anger, abandonment, control issues, and other baggage from my childhood get dredged up when I write. At first my response was to tamp them down and I’d freeze up until I was calm. But I’ve since learned you can’t do that because it saps your energy and will sabotage you every time. So now when all those past issues come up I write through them and channel those past hurts into my characters.

While a cathartic experience it doesn’t address the root issue, which is why I’ve began journaling to get out these emotions and maybe help others who are going through similar experiences. I never tried to do this before and don’t know if I’ll succeed, but I’m giving it a shot anyways.

In the past I’ve pushed people away and didn’t see any value in relationships beyond what I could get out of them. I prided myself on being cold and detached, above the petty concerns of those ruled by their emotions.

The truth was I was the one ruled by my emotions. Too scared to feel anything lest I lose control or get hurt. So I deluded myself into believing I didn’t feel anything at all.But my emotions are still there, buried under the wall I built to insulate myself from the world.

No man is an island unto himself. Humans are social creatures and you need to be around others. I try to be sociable though I often find myself in awkward situation and missing social cues. It’s so easy to retreat behind the walls I’ve built, but I don’t want to be that person anymore.

If you want to change the world and have an impact on people you can’t play it safe. You have to take risk and get out those walls you built. It’s not fun or easy, and there will be times you don’t want to do it. But do it any ways because  the end reward is greater than staying in the place you are right now. Sometimes you have to work through the pain to get where you need to be.

The Fickle Mistress Which Makes Fools of Us All

The way we perceive time is an illusion.  Far be it from a constant stream, our memories about events is a mishmash of the truth mixed with how we wanted things to have happen.

The past is immutable, no matter how much we want to think otherwise. Things weren’t easier or better when you were younger, you were. The world wasn’t all rainbows and gum drops, you were naive.

We all have regrets but that doesn’t mean we should be a slave to them. Learn from your mistakes and move on. It’s pointless to try to change the past because then you would change yourself. Who you are is the sum of all the events that have shaped your life from the moment you were born.

We all have goals for the future but remember it’s in constant flux, so we must be open to the prospect that our plans must change if things don’t work out the way we want them to.

This doesn’t mean you stop dreaming or setting goals. No, it means being realistic about achieving them. If you find yourself in your thirties without a contract maybe it times to give up your dreams of being a professional athlete. Likewise if you’re pushing fifty maybe it’s best you give up the notion you’re still a young stud.

Cognitive dissonance is a trip that can delude us into believing things which aren’t true because they are comforting. “I can stop drinking anytime I want to,” says the alcoholic. “I don’t have a problem,” says the drug addict as she sells herself for that next hit. The point is whether you want to believe it or not the truth remains the same.

So often we get stuck pinning for a past that never was and a future that may never be we miss out on what’s happening in the present. This moment, right now is all we have. For better or worse it’s what makes up the bulk of our life.

We can drift from one millstone or achievement, or we can choose to live in the present, acknowledge the past and the lessons it can teach us, and shape the future the best we can. I thought I had everything figured out and then life came and threw those plans out the window. I’m a control freak but I’ve learned to adapt on the fly and live in the moment. The question is: do you?

copyright silentbutcudly 2013 at silentbutcudly.blogspot.com